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Cursed · Diary

Lost memory of a god

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I'm dead... There is no other term for what I am now. I feel like a living corpse, without a soul. There is a french expression which say "Metro, Boulot, Dodo" and this is exactly how I live. I wake up at 4 and half and take the first bus to go to work. To finish between 15 and 16, exhausted.

I hate that job (Mailman) and always have, but I never know why I still doing it every summer and now in winter. It kill my brain ! I can't study for my examination nor write anymore because of it ! And if I do not think, therefore I am not !

Gimme a gun and an single bullet ! And let me shoot myself ! Better be plain dead than being this brainless zombie. If I don't found a solution quickly, sure it will be the better option...

Another trouble, can't use internet anymore on Linux.

Masque du jour:
drained Living dead
Actualité musicale:
Nightwish - Wish you were here
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Your Brain is 60.00% Female, 40.00% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female

You are both sensitive and savvy

Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed

But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

Er.... Well... if you said !
I must stop doing tests and writing more ! I'm laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate ! (I must finsih my second chapter for Friday)
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Dream, the third of The Endless, you are in charge of the Dreaming, all imagination and creativity, everyone knows your beautiful realm, but none truly understand it. You are dark and brooding, creative, and spend a lot of time by yourself, just thinking. You are almost as serious as Destiny, but not quite. Everyone is enchanted by you, but you keep them all at a distance, even when you shouldn't.
Which Endless are you?
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I'm sorry to say that but I miss them. I don't know if they feel the same way, or even if they know how much their absence hurts me. I'm sure they are good reasons, but days are become weeks, and weeks months. And I'm still waiting...
I'm wrong to be upset about that, for sure, but I can't help it. And when I think about this subject, my mood goes bad. Anger, Sadness, Shame or Fear endeavor my soul in those times and prevent me from being calm enough to work. And the trouble is I need computer to work and computer reminds me them... so I get more nervous.
If I can't reach them, I guess all I have to do is waiting a sign from them, hoping it will be before I break down my nerves.
I miss them and I fear to lose them - if I haven't already done yet ! And if it's the case, I'd know why. What is my crime ? Can I mend my ways or should I be send in Hell right now?
Maybe it is a drop in the ocean. Maybe it is just a delirium of my mad mind. Maybe... I will see my worst nightmare become true: send the same birthday present to a friend that I've sent to her two years ago, but with, this time, my head in the box.

And the birthday runs near !!!!!
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Useless, I am.
Useless, I stay.
Why am I so angry? Why am I so empty?
You could break my mind, my heart or my body into pieces. Nobody will care et everyone will be fine.
Traitor is the only thing I see around. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right, but it is how I feel.
Somewhere in a wall was an hand, calling for help, for friendship and other stuffs, but, of it, it only remains a small pile of dust and bitter tears.

Desperate times needs desperate measures, isn't it? I was waiting for apologizes, but once again, an simple "hi" will calm me, but the bitterness will still growing.

Nothing but bitter...
Don't ask me to smile. Don't ask me to be nice. It's too hard.

I want and I need to howl, but I won't do it! I won't disturb neighborhood.
I want to yell, but I won't do it! I don't want to lose my untrustworthy friends.

Time of voiceless screaming and tearless cries is here, once again!

Useless, I am! Useless, I stay.
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One one was wrong and it wasn't a real relationship, just some kind of illusion... But why does it hurt so much ? I know it was the only raisonnable solution, mais Heart don't give a fuck about Raison. And in this very hour, there is nothing but an endless pain.

And I could look at skies, there is only silence... A bloody fucking silence. Fucking hell ! I hate him !!! What have I done to him ? Stealing my mfather to me wasn't enough ! He has broken my heart and forbids me to found the missing parts !

Even if it's said that I'm "lovable", I seriously doubt of it, after twenty-six years.

Alone with, as only companion, Pain and this Hate, which prevent me from sinking into Apathy, I believe I will fall asleep into this dreamless but, I hope so, nightmare-less sleep, with the certainty that my name is too well found.

"Sorry to breath. And I don't do it, so why do I say that anyway ?"

Masque du jour:
infuriated Tired
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"-Mais pourquoi haïs-tu ?
-Parce que je me sens incapable d'aimer. Parce que l'amour n'a laissait que des blessures dans mon coeur, que nulle n'est venu panser. Alors je comble le vide par la haine et la douleur. Mais crois bien que ce choix ne me rend pas heureux. Je souffre de haïr, tout comme je souffrais d'aimer, mais au moins, la Haine ne me déçoit pas, ni n'appelle pas la réciprocité. Alors je continue à verser des larmes de sang et à haïr, puisqu'aucune main secourable ne se présente."

"- Why do you hate ?
- Because I feel unable to love. Because Love has left nothing but wounds in my heart, which no one has come to dress. So I fill emptiness with Hate and suffer. But believe me this choice doesn't make me happy. I suffer to hate as I suffered to love, but at least Hate don't disappoint me nor call for reciprocity. So I continue to shed blood tears and to hate, since no helpful hand appears."

Don't ask me why I'd written this text (except if you want to see me answer 42... understand who can) It's just few words written in a sad mood, before going to sleep, praying for, at least, being able to really cry with real tears, and no more in these tearless cries I live with these times.
Masque du jour:
numb Numb
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Star Wars Meme by sailor_phobos
1st 2 Ltrs of 1stname + Last 3 Ltrs of last name
1st 2ltrs of moms last name+Last 3ltrs of city brn
Sith or JediSith
Skin ColorGreen
Eye ColorBlue
Light Saber ColorYellow
How close you are to switching sides: 97%
You're Random Star Wars Quote:The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.
Your Padawan (if you're a jedi)bory
Your apprentice (if you're a sith)ravens_falling
You're Masterrannsama
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Me ? a Sith ? Not kidding !!! But why am I on the dark side ? (when if I’m close to switch on the bright one) ?

And surely I try to reach the bright side, and I want to, but some shadows stay here and smirking. But tonight I don't care. I'm just a fool lost in his foolishness, but with a smile. Nothing is done and I don't have white-feathered wings yet, but the Hellgates are still close and the floor is always under my feet.
Sorry to be sibyllian, but I can't help it. I'm a paradox, an enigma, and maybe a threat, but the human bomb will not explose tonight. Tonight, I'm just The Fox which has been tame by the Rose. (And where is the Little Prince ? I don't know and don't really care in these very minutes)
Now I must follow a path I doesn't know and switching into a little yellow bear...
"Think, think, think"

(No, I haven't take some illegal stuff, why ?)
Masque du jour:
jubilant Between Hell and Heaven
Actualité musicale:
Des Laisses - Les Wriggles
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One day, I will do a proper entry, but today it will be just another list of test results. And I'm not certain this is a good thing, but all the results say the same thing, so maybe I'm very like that, and the last test was the first one I've taken this evening... but I was so surprise by the result that I've laugh !!! Not that the result (which is plain truth !!!) is surprising but I didn't expect it !

And know I will search salvation in an Indian-like magical school.


You are an assassin.
That means you are a proffessional and do your job without mixing any emotions in it. In your life you have probably been hurt many times and have gotten some mental scars. This results in you being distant from people. Though many think that you are evil, you are not. What you really are is a person, trying to forget your pain and past. You are the person who never seems to care and that is why being an assassin fits you good. Atleast, that's what people think. Even if you don't care that much for your victims, you still have the ability to care and to generally feel. It is not lost, just a little forgotten. In crowds you tend to not get to noticed, and dress in black or other discrete colours. You don't being in the spotlight and wish people would just leave you alone. But once you do get close to someone you have a hard time letting go and get real down if you loose him/her.
Main weapon: Sniper
Quote: "The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy" -Jim Rohn
Facial expression: Narrowed eyes

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
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?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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You are the one who hates to hate but hates to love. You can't deside at all! You have a switching mind and just can't make up your mind. You like someone but then someone else comes and you think they are ugly the next day.
How much do you love? GOOD PICS
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Your inner soul is calling for help! You always seem so depressed, lonely, and feel like an outsider. You may have a cold, sad exterior, but in all reality you are hurt inside and bottling up all of your anger. Everyday you wonder why are you still here when there is nothing left? You use to once be a happy, loving soul, but it was damaged by 'them' and seems like it never can be fixed again. However, you have yet seemed to realize that there are people out there that deeply care for you. They secretly have a thing for you because they find you to be dark, mysterious, and full of secrets, not to mention being the prettiest person in the world! You like to enjoy your time by yourself expressing your feelings through forms of art, and enjoy nice quiet scenaries that just dazzle your mind with awe. Your bedroom is basically your sanctuary where you can hide out, hidden from those who gave you all of the pain. Try to loosen up and have some fun! Never start frowning because you never know who's falling in love with your smile :)
What Is Your Inner Soul Trying To Say?
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You hide behind The Shadow Mask, you don't like to be in the spot light, you like to hide from everybody and just be alone, you think you put yourself in this position with your own will but the truth is that people made you go there, you don't trust people any more though inside you there is a voice screaming to go out and see the light, you look for some one who understands the real you, some one loves you unconditionally, if you were looking for some one to talk to, i'm all ears.
What kind of masks you hide behind? (i added pix)
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Writing is your salvation. In words you escape from reality. You have a strong character with an amazing way to express your feelings BUT only on papers. People tend to see you as a loner but in fact you are just a misunderstood out-going soul.
~~Just me and my words~~
What's your way to escape reality? What's your salvation?
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Masque du jour:
thoughtful thoughtful
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